Do They Know That You Know That They Know?

It’s a common one.

How we see ourselves versus how others see us can be drastically different.

We talk a lot about self-awareness, introspection, self-regulation, self-leadership, etc.

But not enough about ‘external self-awareness.’

It involves understanding how others perceive you and your actions and being aware of how those around you experience your behaviours, communication, and presence.

Tasha Eurich and her team researched self-awareness for several years and came up with the following definition:

“The ability to see ourselves clearly to understand who we are, HOW OTHERS SEE US, and how we fit into the world around us.” (from the book: Insight)

It’s in the definition of self-awareness itself (it’s even on the book cover) but often neglected as we pursue self-improvement, self-development, and looking inward.

It’s an essential skill to build on for both personal and leadership development.

A Personal Story

Years ago, I was set on an external self-awareness exercise by one of my mentors. I had to ask others for unfiltered feedback on how they perceived me.

This wasn’t your typical ‘seek feedback from your team’ but one that went much deeper and involved colleagues, friends, family, and support circle.

My mentor took this a step further and asked me to nominate 5 people to speak to directly and ask different questions.

It was an ‘eye-opening’ exercise! Unsurprisingly, my external self-awareness was way off!

Reflection Time: Take a couple of minutes right now. Think about your last interaction with a team member. Did they seem engaged? Did they seem comfortable? What can you do differently to communicate more effectively?

The How

The exercise my mentor did stuck with me, and I still use it when coaching leaders today.

Examples of questions that my clients use when gathering feedback for their external self-awareness are:

1. When I speak with others, what part of my communication style (tone, body language, choice of words) do you find most engaging, and which could I improve?

2. What’s one thing I say or do that leaves a positive impression on you, and what’s one thing I do that leaves a negative one?

3. If you had to describe my presence in a group setting with three adjectives, what would they be?

4. Can you remember a time when my reaction or behaviour surprised you (positive or negative)? What did that moment change about how you perceive me?

5. What’s the one thing you’ve heard me describe myself as and you suddenly thought, ‘ What?!'‘ or ‘That’s true.’

Practical Tip to Start Today

During your daily self-reflection or journaling, include the following:

• How did my colleagues respond to me today?

• Did I notice anything specific about their tone or body language or a certain pattern in how people respond to me?

• Did I respond accordingly, or was there anything I could have adjusted to make my communication more effective?

Over time, this practice can increase your attention to interactions and improve how you connect with others, gradually helping you improve your external self-awareness.

Fun Corner: The ‘Space Game.’

For the following week, play the ‘Space Game.’

Vary your physical distance from the person you are talking to. Move slightly closer or farther away. Notice their reaction. Do they step in, step back, or adjust their posture?

It’s like a dance, and it’s interesting to see how your space affects others’ comfort and engagement.

Your Journey Begins Here

As you embark on your journey towards greater self-awareness, remember that every small step counts. Reflect on the stories and tips shared today, and take that first step towards a more balanced and effective leadership style.

Share Your Thoughts

I would love to hear from you! What resonated with you the most from this edition? Do you have personal experiences or reflections on external self-awareness that you’d like to share? Hit reply, and let’s start a conversation.

Thanks for reading!

Stay Connected

• Harmonised Success Website

• Follow me on LinkedIn